The Year of "Manys"

I hope that I can do this.  It's been awhile since I've written a blog.  Writing used to be something that I loved to do.  I had my 15 minutes of fame on MySpace when blogging was popular and MySpace was still alive. Then, life got crazy and MySpace died a slow, painful death and somehow I stopped writing.  I signed up on this site and was confident I would blog, but I've been here almost 2 years and this is only my 4th blog.  Oh well, 2013 is a New Year.  Maybe it will bring New Things.

This year, 2012, was the year of "manys", for me.  Many important memorials in my life.

Earlier in the year, I came to the startling realization that my two oldest daughters were 21 and 24 and I realized that they were the exact ages that I was when I had them.  Wow.  How different their lives are from what my life was when I was their age.  Angelina was born when I was 21 and Veronica came along 3 1/2 years later when I was 24.  I'll get back to them.

This year marked the 7th anniversary of the death of my father (I've always had a thing about the number 7), the 15th anniversary of the death of my mother (on my birthday, no less).  It would have been the 25th anniversary of my marriage to my husband (that one really made me think) and it was the 20th anniversary of when I first became sick (and I have a whole lot to say about THAT.)

It was definitely the year of "manys".

This whole year was a year of reflection to me.  Reflections on my parents.  Reflections on my (failed) marriage.  Reflections on my illness and reflections on my children.

I still have trouble coming to terms with the deaths of my parents.  I was close to my mom, but I still feel like my dad and I never really resolved our issues and then he was gone and there were no more chances to resolve our issues.  He loved me, in his own stupid way, but our relationship was never the greatest.  Still, I loved my parents and no matter how challenging and sometimes, terrifying, it was growing up with the two of them, I accept that they did the best that they could and I know they loved me.  I let go of my anger with them long ago.  We are all flawed people and we have to love one another, despite all of our flaws.

My marriage.  I can't even talk about my marriage without talking about my illness.  The two are so intertwined.  We had been married just 5 years and already had 2 small children when I first became sick.  It was sudden and came out of nowhere.  Life was beautiful and then, it wasn't.  I often wonder what life would have been like had I never become sick.  What would my husband and I have been like 25 years later?  I suppose I will never know.  There were other problems that contributed to the demise of my marriage, but me, being so sick, for so long was more than he could handle.  8 years after I became sick, I was still as sick as I ever was and he couldn't take anymore, so there it was.  Another one bites the dust.

Reflections on my illness?  I can't even speak about my life without speaking about my illness because this is who I am.  A few more years and I will have spent more of my life as a woman with a terrible illness than as a woman in control.  My heart broke a thousand times a day as the years went by and doctor after doctor failed to figure out what was wrong with me.  Angelina was 5 when I first got sick.  She had to endure so much, at such a young age.  She could still remember a mom who didn't always lay around the house and cry and who didn't lock herself away in the room for days at a time and who wasn't scared all the time and crippled by anxiety, delusions and paranoia.  She remembered a mom who cooked and cleaned and took care of her and her sister and loved them.  Sick didn't seem like love and inside I was dying.  Veronica was not yet 2 years old when I got sick.  She had no memory of me before I was sick.  That haunted me as the years went by.  Sick was normal to her.

15 years went by before I finally received the diagnosis that would give me a small piece of my life back, but the things that were stolen from me during those 15 years can never be replaced.  I hate that I lost those years and the time I should have been spending raising my children and being a wife and mother, but...

As I mentioned, this year, the year of "manys" started out for me with the realization that my two oldest daughters were 21 and 24 when this year started out.

How different their lives at 21 and 24 are from how mine was at their age.

Angelina is a determined young woman and she has been successful with life.  She graduated from college.  She's an amazing cook and a wonderful wife.  She is married to a man who adores her and who is an amazing husband to her.  They both have good jobs.  They just bought their first home and in time, there will be grandchildren.  They are successful and they are happy.  They have a beautiful life together.

Veronica is in her senior year at college.  She is driven, focused, successful, passionate about what she believes and compassionate.  She has been a relationship with a nice man, who respects her and treats her well for the past 2 years.  She plans to come home and work and get her Masters.  She has a beautiful life. 

Reflecting on the deaths of my parents has always brought me to the realization that life is precious and shorter than any of us dare to think or believe.  Love the ones you have and let go of the angry things and the hurtful things.  Talk to the people you love because you will miss them when they are gone and when there are no more chances to talk to them.

Reflecting on my illness always brings me back to the realization that life is incredibly fragile and unpredictable and that can change in an instant.  Be thankful for what you have.  Don't ever take it for granted because what you have today, may not be what you have tomorrow.

Farewell, Year of "Manys".  Thank you for the things that you taught me.